A breakup is one of life's toughest moments, and if you're going through one, know that whatever you're feeling right now is completely okay. While friends may offer relationship advice on how to deal with a breakup, this is also an opportunity to rediscover yourself.
Let’s talk about how this chapter in your life can be the beginning of an incredible journey of self-discovery.
The ‘Who Am I Again?’ Moment
Take a look at your closet and check out what you have stopped wearing because of your ex. This experience is so common that psychologists have a term for it - 'identity fusion.'
Dr. Lisa Bobby, a relationship counselling professional, explains that we often unconsciously adapt our preferences and behaviours to match our partner's, sometimes losing sight of our own identity in the process.
Baby Steps to Rediscover Yourself
Let's keep it real - you don't need to climb Mount Everest or move to Paris to rediscover yourself. Starting with small daily choices can help rebuild our sense of self.
1. The Music Test
Remember that band you loved, but your ex couldn't stand? Time to blast their entire discography! It's amazing how much of our own preferences we sometimes silence to avoid relationship issues.
Research shows that listening to music you personally enjoy releases dopamine and oxytocin, natural mood boosters.
2. Food Adventures
Did you know that your taste buds actually change every seven years? But how would you know if you've been sticking to your ex's preferred restaurants and meals?
Neuroscientist Dr. Rachel Herz's research shows that our food preferences are deeply connected to our emotional memories. So it’s time to become your own food critic! Try that super spicy Thai place you've been curious about, or learn to cook something totally new.
Trying new foods can help create fresh neural pathways and positive associations.
The 'Me Time' Revolution
Dr. Bella DePaulo's research on single people revealed something fascinating: those who embrace solitude and self-discovery often report higher levels of personal growth and life satisfaction.
Here's something nobody tells you about breakups: they give you an incredible gift - time.
Making ‘Me Time’ Actually Fun
Practice mindfulness: Just 10 minutes daily can help reduce breakup-related anxiety
Start a 'Never Have I Ever' list: Psychologists call this 'behavioural activation’
Take yourself on dates: Research shows self-dating builds self-esteem
Redecorate your space: Changing your environment can shift your mindset
The Social Media Cleanse
A study published in the Cyberpsychology journal found that continuing to follow an ex on social media increases post-breakup distress. Dr. Tara Marshall's research specifically shows that Facebook stalking your ex significantly delays emotional recovery.
Instead, create a'joy feed.' Research indicates that curating your social media to include inspiring content can improve mood and motivation.
Finding Your Squad Again
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, found that strong social connections are the best predictor of long-term well-being. Dr. Robert Waldinger, the study's director, emphasises that reconnecting with the community isn't just about support - it's about rebuilding your social identity.
The Identity Inventory
Few studies show that people with more diverse self-concepts (different aspects of their identity) cope better with loss. Here's a science-backed exercise that doesn't feel like work:
Things I Know I Love:
Recall the positive memories you have so far. This strengthens neural pathways associated with joy and confidence. Make your list!
Things I Want to Try:
Write down your aspirations. According to a study, writing down increases the likelihood of achieving them by 42%.
The ‘Future Me’ Vision Board
Instead of focusing on what you've lost, let's think about what you're gaining. Create a vision for your future that's all about you.
Dr. Gabriele Oettingen's WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan) method provides a scientific framework for effective future planning:
Create visual representations of your goals
Make a power playlist
Write a letter to your future self
The Growth Mindset
Here's something cool about breakups - they're like a crash course in personal growth, except you get to design the curriculum. Small wins actually trigger the release of dopamine, reinforcing positive behaviours.
Small Wins to Celebrate:
Made it through a whole day without checking their social media? Victory dance!
Cooked a meal just the way YOU like it? That's worth a celebration!
Went to a social event solo? You're basically a superhero!
Creating Your New Normal
The best part about rediscovering yourself is that you get to create your new normal. Maybe you've always been a'night owl' because your ex was one, but actually, you love early mornings.
Perhaps you've been watching action movies for years when rom-coms are more your thing.
Enjoying Your Own Company
Learning to enjoy your own company might sound scary, but think of it this way: you're hanging out with someone who knows all your inside jokes, never judges your food choices, and always wants to watch what you want to watch. Sounds pretty great, right?
Start small:
Take yourself to a movie (bonus: you get all the popcorn!)
Have a solo picnic in the park with your favourite book
Try that new café without feeling pressure to make conversation
Studies show that people who are comfortable with solitude report higher levels of emotional intelligence and life satisfaction. And the term for it is solitude 'positive solitude' - a sign of emotional maturity.
Looking Ahead
As you continue on this journey of rediscovery, remember that there's no finish line. You're not trying to become a 'new you' - you're uncovering the authentic you who might have been hiding under layers of compromise and adaptation.
What Should You Really Believe?
There’s a lot of misleading relationship advice about how to deal with a breakup. Let’s separate fact from fiction:
Myth: "The best way to get over someone is to start dating immediately."
Reality: Jumping into a rebound relationship often delays true healing. Relationship counselling professionals recommend taking time for self-reflection before seeking a new connection.Myth: "You should be completely over it in a few months."
Reality: Healing is different for everyone. Some move on quickly, while others need more time. The key is to focus on rediscovering yourself rather than rushing the process.Myth: "Staying friends with your ex proves maturity."
Reality: While some exes do remain friends, forcing a friendship too soon can create emotional confusion and prolong pain. If the breakup involved major relationship issues, distance can be healthier.Myth: "Social media stalking is harmless."
Reality: Studies show that constantly checking an ex’s profile can make it harder to move on. Curating a positive "joy feed" instead is a healthier way to shift focus.
Still Have Queries? Check These FAQs
1. How long does it take to get over a breakup?
The timeline for healing varies for each individual. Some studies suggest that many people start to feel better after about three months, while others may take longer.
Relationship counselling professionals emphasise that healing isn't linear. What matters most is allowing yourself time and space to process emotions.
If you're struggling with relationship issues, seeking relationship advice from professionals can provide guidance.
2. Best self-care tips after a breakup?
Engaging in self-care is crucial during this period. Here are some psychologist-backed tips:
Embrace your emotions: Allow yourself to feel and process your feelings rather than suppressing them.
Reconnect with hobbies: Dive back into activities you love or explore new interests to rediscover yourself.
Seek support: Lean on friends, family, or consider relationship counselling for professional guidance.
Establish routines: Maintaining a daily routine can provide a sense of normalcy and stability.
3. Psychologist-backed advice for moving on from an ex?
Experts recommend focusing on self-growth and setting boundaries:
Limit contact: Taking a break from communication can help you gain perspective and heal.
Reflect on the relationship: Understand the lessons learned to foster personal growth.
Engage in new experiences: Trying new activities can help shift your focus and build new memories.
Consider professional help: Relationship counselling can provide tailored strategies for moving forward.
4. Is it okay to be friends with an ex immediately?
Transitioning to friendship immediately after a breakup can be challenging. Relationship counselling experts suggest that taking time apart to heal and establish boundaries is often the best approach.
Jumping into friendship too soon can hinder healing and prolong emotional distress. If you're facing relationship issues post-breakup, giving yourself space before considering friendship is advisable.
5. How do I stop overthinking after a breakup?
Overthinking is a common response, but there are strategies to manage it:
Mindfulness practices: Engage in meditation or deep-breathing exercises to centre your thoughts.
Physical activity: Regular exercise can reduce stress and improve mood.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can provide an outlet for your emotions and reduce mental clutter.
Set aside "worry time": Allocate a specific time each day to acknowledge your concerns, helping to contain overthinking.
Seek professional support: Relationship counselling can offer tools and techniques to manage intrusive thoughts effectively.
Your Breakup, Your Rules
Remember, while these insights from relationship counselling professionals and research findings are helpful, your journey is unique. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship issues researcher, emphasises that there's no universal timeline for healing. What matters is finding what works for you. Maybe you want to dye your hair blue, or maybe you just want to finally admit that you hate sushi.
Remember, this journey isn't about becoming someone new - it's about remembering who you've always been and discovering who you want to become. Take it one day at a time, celebrate the small wins, and be patient with yourself. After all, you're not just getting over someone; you're getting back to yourself.
Disclaimer: This information provided is intended for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice or guidance. For personalised recommendations or specific concerns, please consult a certified professional.
